When I talk with individuals who struggle with anxiety, one of the first things I often say to them is this: anxiety is not the enemy. A well-known existentialist Rollo May once said, to experience anxiety simply means that you are an alive and aware human being, it is both inevitable and unavoidable.
Anxiety feels uncomfortable and threatening, the racing thoughts, the tightness in the chest, the constant sense of being on edge. But over the years of working with individuals who find themselves under different types of stressors, be it high pressure periods at work, childhood trauma, or existential concerns, I’ve come to see anxiety as more of the messenger than the monster.
Anxiety usually shows up on the surface, catching our attention and keeping us busy. But if we slow down and look beneath it, what this often reveals are softer, deeper, and more vulnerable emotions such as sadness, fear of rejection and failure, shame, or the deep longing to be accepted or loved.
The Anxiety Blanket
I think of anxiety as a blanket that covers up the emotions that we are perhaps not ready to feel yet, or don’t know how to access. It’s what we feel when our mind doesn’t let us stay with the rawer, more authentic feelings underneath. Instead of allowing us to contact those parts of ourselves, the mind speeds up, fills with “what if” thoughts, and sends alert signals through the body.
In its own way, anxiety is trying to protect us. It steps in so we don’t have to sit with vulnerability, the part of us that feels exposed, small, or in need.
Think about this: you send a message to someone you care about, and they don’t respond for a few hours. Suddenly, your mind races:
- Did I do something wrong?
- What if they don’t value me anymore?
- Maybe I’m just too much.
That spiral is anxiety. But if we pause, breathe, and look within, often what’s really there underneath is something very essential to being a human: the fear of loss, the sadness of feeling unimportant, the longing to matter to someone.
Meeting the Vulnerability Beneath
Here’s where conversation, coaching, or therapy can help. Instead of only learning ways to push anxiety away, I help people listen to the messages within that spiral of anxiety. Only when we truly see and hear ourselves, can we understand the right path to follow. Through this active listening process, we slow down together, notice the body’s cues, and ask:
- If my anxiety could speak, what feeling would it be protecting?
- What softer or deeper emotion might I be feeling underneath?
It takes courage to stay with those answers, because vulnerability can feel risky, and we may even be conditioned to see vulnerability as weakness. But it’s simply about acknowledging what’s there, and that can be deeply healing, to see ourselves authentically and in a holistic way, without shunning parts of us. When we give ourselves permission to feel sadness, loneliness, or shame, instead of running from it, the anxiety often begins to soften on its own.
We live in a world that prizes strength, independence, and always “keeping it together.” But the truth is, being human also means having needs for closeness, recognition, and care. Anxiety rushes in to cover up those needs, especially when they aren’t fulfilled.
When we begin to see anxiety not just as a problem to fix but as a signal pointing to our vulnerability, we open up a different kind of relationship with ourselves, one rooted in compassion and true understanding rather than being dismissive of our humanness.
While anxiety can often be understood as a messenger pointing us to our vulnerability, it’s also important to remember that we should seek professional guidance when anxiety starts to get in the way of our functioning. When anxiety feels overwhelming, persistent, or starts interfering with your daily life, seeking professional help isn’t a weakness, it’s an important step toward agentic healing and empowering yourself to understand and cope with struggle.